That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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