I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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