I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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