Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
