Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I could fuck to npr.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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