Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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