I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
