just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
