What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
