so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The air was thick with penises
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
