I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
