In the future we'll all be gay
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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