You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I need a hoe opinion
go on
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
