My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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