true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
