if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
MIDGETS
????
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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