I hate all girls vehemently.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
