I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
