I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
