yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
