I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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