My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
