# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
