The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
