I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
