I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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