the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
