I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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