i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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