I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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