I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
