I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
