So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
