I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
