Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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