In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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