Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
