I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
