I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
