I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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