I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
