You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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