i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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