Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
