Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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