I wish I could teleport
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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