how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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