Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
