we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
