In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
