Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
