Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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