I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
