I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
