Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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