I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
